The List – or – God, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do.

For the Lenten season of 2008, I decided that instead of giving something up, I would add something to my day: Bible reading.  This was something I knew I was supposed to do as a committed Christian, but had been really bad about throughout my life.  I never had a daily “devotional” with any regularity.  I would constantly lie about how often I read the Bible, sort of like I lie about how many times I usually exercise during a given week.

Anyway, I actually stuck with it throughout Lent and have stuck with it until the present day.  Honest.

The problem?  Well, the problem is that rather than read the Bible in happy, inspirational chunks, as most devotional guides encourage us to do, I decided to read the Bible as if it were actually like, well, a book.  And that meant slogging through it from page one.  Keep in mind that I only read a couple chapters per day so I’m still in 2 Chronicles.

Far from inspiration and a greater understanding of God, I have found my experience with the Bible thus far to be profoundly disturbing.

Now, we tend to skip around and not talk about the ugly bits of the Bible, but there is some really messed up stuff in there.  I usually feel bad bringing it up to people because nobody can really explain or justify it and I hate putting people on the spot like that.  Most people say that ultimately we just can’t understand God’s master plan.  They say it’s one of those things that we’ll understand when we get to heaven.

Well, I hope so, because I started a list.  I’m writing it right on one of those maps of Palestine and the Sinai peninsula that are at the end of some Bibles, actually.  The list is called, “Verses to ask God about when I get to heaven.”

Just this morning I came across this gem:  The army of Judah also captured ten thousand men alive, took them to the top of a cliff and threw them down so that all were dashed to pieces (2 Chronicles 25:12). Now I’m not a pacifist or someone who is disturbed more easily by violence than the average person.  I can understand that if two countries are at war, people are going to get killed.  But this is a clear example of sick, mindless slaughter, ostensibly under the blessing, if not the direction, of our God.  Could you imagine the outrage if the U.S. did something like this to insurgents in Iraq?  How is that we have a moral code that is greater than that of God’s chosen people when it comes to warfare?

Way to start the day, right?  I might as well be reading the Iliad every day before work.

Anyway, if you think that’s sick, check this out.  This is the passage that first inspired me to create this list. “Because of the suffering that your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the LORD your God has given you. 54 Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, 55 and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating” (Deuteronomy 28:53). Seriously. What the hell?

It’s funny because as I’m writing this, only my second post, I’m wondering whether to include swear words or not in this supposedly ‘Christian’ blog.  Then I looked back at the passage with all the people eating their kids and I thought, hmm, swearing probably isn’t that big of a deal.

Okay here’s another one that is completely outrageous.  In Numbers 31, Israel really wallops the Midianites.  They kill all the men and capture the women and children.  Pretty extreme.  But wait, here comes Moses himself in verse 15, and he’s pissed.  “Have you allowed all the women to live?” he asked them. 16 “They were the ones who followed Balaam’s advice and were the means of turning the Israelites away from the LORD in what happened at Peor, so that a plague struck the LORD’s people. 17 Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, 18 but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.”

Of the slew of genocides carried out by the Israelites, this one takes the cake.  Whatever shred of human decency this army was clinging to by sparing the women and children is soon stamped out by the man closest of all to the Lord.  ‘No, actually, don’t spare the women and children.  Kill them all.  Oh, except for the young girls.  Them you can keep as sex slaves.  Yup.  Good work boys. Don’t forget to introduce your new virgin sex slaves to your wives when you get home.’

Well, I’d like to keep this post under 1000 words.  So if you want some more highlights, check out Joshua 7-8, Judges 20-21 (which begins with someone chopping up a dead concubine and mailing her pieces – and here i thought the mob came up with that move – and gets more and more baffling as it goes on), and 1 Kings 13:16-34.

Well, this is the point where a Donald Miller type would turn this all around to show how all this madness has some important, positive implication for our lives.  But I got nothing.  In these disturbing passages, God never expressly gives the order to carry out these grisly acts, but he is complicit in them at the very least.

So I’m thinking about being buried with this list in my jacket pocket.  And just in case that doesn’t work, I’ll commit the passages to memory.  And when I get to heaven I plan to demand a little face time with God, whip out this list and say, ‘God, you’ve got some serious ‘splaining to do.’

You might say that I’m not right to question God.  But I think you’re just making excuses. He gave me a sense of morality, a conscience which this stuff offends at the most basic level.  We have to be appalled at these passages.  No more dismissing them as too complicated.  No more saying they’re beyond our comprehension.  If anything like this happens today, there is a worldwide uproar. I’m using the rational mind and conscience that God gave to me and, like David in the Psalms, I’m gonna just be honest and say, ‘God… seriously… what gives?’

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. As you can imagine…these questions have plagued me for some time too. Now I kind of want to die before you do so God will tell me everything first and then I’ll write a lucrative, posthumous tell-all and you’ll have to read it on your deathbed. And then when you get to heaven you’ll have nothing to ask God.

    Also, have you seen any of David Plotz’s blogging the Bible on Slate. Similar to what you’re talking about.

    Link:http://www.slate.com/id/2150150/

  2. I think the passage you mentioned that states “you will eat the fruit of the womb” can be taken literally, as in eat the placenta. It’s certainly not common in humans today but there are groups that still advocate for it and animals still do it too. I’m not sure what benefit it provides for a man to eat the placenta (the claim is it can prevent post partum depression for moms) besides perhaps some protein and basic nutrition. Maybe that’s what the passage is referring to? (At least, it’s so disturbing I hope it’s something that simple.)

    Here’s some wiki info on it:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Placentophagy


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